Shallowness or Depth?

I've got so many thoughts running through my mind right now. I don't know whether they come from my shallowness or from deep inside me. I call myself shallow quite often, but when I think of myself as shallow, I think of my selfishness, and my own wants, needs, and desires. The wants include my feelings of wishing to belong somewhere, anywhere, but on the other hand I have an extreme confidence of belonging to me. I don't know how to explain it, it just is....it's just how I feel. On one hand, I am totally and completely me, but on the other I live in a closet, I hide, and I pretend...how can I be both? I can't. So which is it? Who knows....God does.

Slight change of subject....today I met a new person. I sat down at a table, where someone was already sitting, and said "can I share your table?", she said "no" I laughed, then thought, what if she meant it? So I said "Did you mean it?" she smiled shyly and said no, then put her pencil down and continued to look at me. I didn't know what to do, it was weird, being stared at by a stranger, so close. She finally, started a conversation, and we discussed our majors, as is the norm with college students, as well as our length of time in school, and other things. It was nice, meeting someone new, talking, and just being me. It was a good experience. Her name was Laura, her friend came, and they went off together for lunch, but before she left, she asked my name, and a little about my schedule, and said she hoped to see me around. It was interesting. I pondered it a moment, then continued doing my physics homework. I dodn't think about it again until this evening, when I though of the subject of "being real". What I mean by that is not being shallow. It's nice to be in a different place sometimes. A place that doesn't hold a mold of who or what you are supposed to be. School does that for me. Especially a big, new school. I don't care what people think, I don't care who people are, I don't care what I look like, I don't care what I say....it's great...it's different.

I find that in this new world, I am learning more about me, I am learning that I am who I am, and that I am okay. I'm just another girl, in a world where people live. Sometimes they live hidden lives, Sometimes they live open but exciting lives, sometimes they live the lives others think they should live....Wow! I mean Whoa....wait a minute.....that's not the life I want to live, nor the life I think anyone should live. I think we should all dig deep into ourselves, find out who we are, and live life to the utmost maximum we can!!

I realize that shallowness comes from this world. Living just to be living. Living to please...Living to get by....Living not to offend....Living to fit in....or should I say it, Not living at all. I think we should all live. Live life to the fullest. I think that will be my goal, not my New Year's Resolution, not something I TRY, but something I DO......So, my commitment to me is to LIVE!! Darn it....I'm just going to do it....My commitment is to quit being shallow, to quit thinking surface thoughts and saying surface words, but to reach deep within and be true and honest to myself.

I guess I'm reaching down deep, and expressing what is inside of me for once......It's a little weird, and I wonder, as I write this, if I will even post this. I know my depth may not be as deep as others, but I do have a little. I know this because my thougts have traversed from the shallowness of the usual to the realness inside me. I can feel it. I need this change. It's good for me.

My Brother

I've been thinking about my life lately, you might say, I've been reflecting. I remember a huge moment in my life. I was very young, and struggling with so much. I won't go into all the details, but I will share briefly. I remember being 15 years old, and thinking life was the worst it could be. There were things that led up to the moment, but I told my brother how I really felt about the issues in my life, and expected, in a way, some sort of judgement. Not only did my brother not judge me, he asked "Why?". I told him. At 14 years old, he was amazing, not only did he not judge me, he cried with me, then hugged me. For the first time in my life, I felt understood. I felt re-assured. It is that moment that I think of, when I really think about who my brother is. He is amzing, loving, gentle, kind, and so full of wisdom. I am so proud of him. I would do anything for him, and I will love him no matter what. I can't imagine not having him in my life. He is an awesome gift. I love you Eddie, if you ever read this, thank you for being my brother, and for being such a great man, and a great friend. I thank God for you everyday.

Gold

I've been checking the spot price of gold for some time now, it the past two years I've seen it go from about $375.00 per ounce to as high as almost $440.00 per ounce. That's a big change. It looks like gold really is a good investment if your looking for something to invest in.

I'm not looking, but am following the gold market anyway, for fun. As I was looking through the ads, ebay items, gold stores, etc. I began to think of the time I have spent researching and checking out the information on this. I bets its hundreds of hours. I wish I could apply the same amount of time to more productive things....like studying, reading my Bible, writing letters, cleaning house, yard work.....I would have so much more done!! But, even as I type the words, the desire escapes me. I di have to study for real, so, here I go, I'm looking at my back pack and willing myself to pull out that Physics book. Hold on....I did it, gota go now, before I decide to put it back!!

La La La

I didn't know what to title my blog entry today, so there you have it. That about sums up my topic anyway. I was thinking that I seem to complain alot lately.....that's not good. I don't want to be a complainer so I've decided to start thinking of the positive things in my life. I started back to work at the City of Sanger last week, and so far its going great. I didn't accomplish a whole lot because I don't have a computer yet. I ordered one though. I put my own chair together, and this week I'll put the hutch to my desk together....what a great job, huh? It's been nice, I get to focus on planning and development, I love that stuff. Well - I don't have a lot of time so "La La La" to you, I hope you have a great day, and I will try to be more positive!!

It's my perogative

You know, it is my perogative....what is? I know your asking yourself. Everthing is. I'm getting a little attitude, if you haven't noticed. I think life is asking a lot of me right now, and I usually just go along with it, but I don't want to any more. So, how am I going to change things? hmmm. I think the best way is for me to dress in hot pink, stand in the street, waive my hands in the air, shout "what's that you say?!", shake my bootie, do the macarena, then the electric slide, a little cabbage patch, the MC Hammer (you know, wear the baggy pants, with the velcro waste, and jump back and forth from leg to leg, to the tune of "You got to pray just to make it today"), then I'll impersonate Cher, and finally, I will end with "It's my perogative" - "Everybody's talkin all this stuff about me, why don't they just let me live?....I don't need permission, make my own descision, it's my perogative" ......... I know it's not the answer, but it'd be fun....wanta join me?