Shallowness or Depth?

I've got so many thoughts running through my mind right now. I don't know whether they come from my shallowness or from deep inside me. I call myself shallow quite often, but when I think of myself as shallow, I think of my selfishness, and my own wants, needs, and desires. The wants include my feelings of wishing to belong somewhere, anywhere, but on the other hand I have an extreme confidence of belonging to me. I don't know how to explain it, it just is....it's just how I feel. On one hand, I am totally and completely me, but on the other I live in a closet, I hide, and I pretend...how can I be both? I can't. So which is it? Who knows....God does.

Slight change of subject....today I met a new person. I sat down at a table, where someone was already sitting, and said "can I share your table?", she said "no" I laughed, then thought, what if she meant it? So I said "Did you mean it?" she smiled shyly and said no, then put her pencil down and continued to look at me. I didn't know what to do, it was weird, being stared at by a stranger, so close. She finally, started a conversation, and we discussed our majors, as is the norm with college students, as well as our length of time in school, and other things. It was nice, meeting someone new, talking, and just being me. It was a good experience. Her name was Laura, her friend came, and they went off together for lunch, but before she left, she asked my name, and a little about my schedule, and said she hoped to see me around. It was interesting. I pondered it a moment, then continued doing my physics homework. I dodn't think about it again until this evening, when I though of the subject of "being real". What I mean by that is not being shallow. It's nice to be in a different place sometimes. A place that doesn't hold a mold of who or what you are supposed to be. School does that for me. Especially a big, new school. I don't care what people think, I don't care who people are, I don't care what I look like, I don't care what I say....it's great...it's different.

I find that in this new world, I am learning more about me, I am learning that I am who I am, and that I am okay. I'm just another girl, in a world where people live. Sometimes they live hidden lives, Sometimes they live open but exciting lives, sometimes they live the lives others think they should live....Wow! I mean Whoa....wait a minute.....that's not the life I want to live, nor the life I think anyone should live. I think we should all dig deep into ourselves, find out who we are, and live life to the utmost maximum we can!!

I realize that shallowness comes from this world. Living just to be living. Living to please...Living to get by....Living not to offend....Living to fit in....or should I say it, Not living at all. I think we should all live. Live life to the fullest. I think that will be my goal, not my New Year's Resolution, not something I TRY, but something I DO......So, my commitment to me is to LIVE!! Darn it....I'm just going to do it....My commitment is to quit being shallow, to quit thinking surface thoughts and saying surface words, but to reach deep within and be true and honest to myself.

I guess I'm reaching down deep, and expressing what is inside of me for once......It's a little weird, and I wonder, as I write this, if I will even post this. I know my depth may not be as deep as others, but I do have a little. I know this because my thougts have traversed from the shallowness of the usual to the realness inside me. I can feel it. I need this change. It's good for me.